The Tired Momma's Alphabet.

A is for Advil
For better or worse
There’s one bottle for home
And one bottle for purse.

B is for baby wipes
Cleaning up butts
And faces, and hands,
And all of your stuff.

C is for coffee 
Unless you drink tea
Then please take your healthy self
Far away from me.

D is for dry shampoo
Gives you the power
To get through the day
When you can’t take a shower.

E is for eye-cream
Like all women should
If I put it on twice
Will it work twice as good?

F is for Facebook
Where your kid looks clean
And their clothes sometimes match
And you never scream.

G is for Gogurt
Thought you were above it
But you buy it for them
And you secretly love it.

H is for hip-check
The way you close doors
Cause you’re holding a kid
Who’s allergic to floors

I is for ice cream
It’s dairy, okay?
That’s a real food group.
Get out of my way.

J is for jiggle
Your whole body needs Spanx.
But that’s okay, they have them
At TJ Maxx.

K is for keys
Your baby’s just storing
Them deep in the couch
Good luck in the morning.

L is for love
Which you feel without trying.
You can’t even watch 
Dog food ads without crying

M is for microwave
Can I microwave plastic?
Am I poisoning us?
Ding. You’re being too drastic.

N is for Netflix
Your friend true and cheap.
“Netflix and chill” means
Ten minutes ‘til sleep.

O is for onesie
So soft and so sweet.
Learn to unsnap one-handed
And you can’t be beat

P is for ponytail
Morning ‘til night
Thank God that elastic is
Holding on tight

Q is for quiet
Like when you start peeing
It lasts for three seconds
Before you hear screaming.

R is for running late
That’s who you are now
Now come on, please, can we just
Get in the car now.

S is for stain wipes
That have saved your closet.
And also for “shower crying” 
...but we don’t talk about it.

T is for take-out
Here’s a freezer cooking tip!
Order three times as much
And freeze ‘til you forget.

U is for underwear
One size up, and black
Throw the other ones out
‘Cause they’re not coming back.

V is for videos
‘Cause YouTube is free
And your kid only shuts up
If he’s watching TV.

W is for wine
Other moms never judge
If they can’t see your wine
In a big coffee mug

X is for Xanax
But if you can’t get it
There’s Twizzlers
Or Hulu or Kylie’s new lip kit

Y is for yoga pants
Or “pants” as we call them
Oh, you still wear jeans?
Just where did you come from?

Z is for zebra stripes
Your new badge of honor
You could get them lasered,
But why would you wanna?

You read the whole thing!
Good job! Go you!
Now, it’s been like 2 minutes…
What’s your baby up to?